HELL’S GATE

This is not my story, neither is it from anyone in my family. This is a story, told by a guy who never heard (at least before everything started going super viral on the social media) anything.

So, yes, this story has nothing to do with what happened in Dubai (you’re advised not to search for a guy called Kur Ajiing); I mean, the story of losing teeth in Dubai, for those who know everything. Like the Bible say, “let’s dead buries the dead, so let’s what happen in Dubai stays in Dubai.” Get it? Thank you.

Here is the story, (and I stress it once again, not from me) about what happened in hell. By the way, have you ever asked yourself why God stays far away; in a place where He is reached through prayers? Well, here is the glimpse.

Some government officials were once invited to go for a “retreat”. At least that’s what it was called then. I know #SSOT will call this a scam. Well, you might be wondering who would invite the entire crew of hooligans in clean suits. It’s the man above. He had a time to send Angel Gabriel to come down in a Land Rover, a brown envelope in hand; wearing a grey t-shirt, open shoes and some faded shorts. He knocked on the door of the office of the Minister of Information.

“Ngake”, take this: “it’s an invitation from God Himself to your officials. God is inviting you for a luncheon in his house. It’s this weekend, you should not fail.”

And yes, going to heaven was one thing. Coming back was another thing. Like come on! What the f*#k would God call anyone to go there yet no one ever came back apart from Jesus?

Some ministers declined. Claiming they were “too busy”. The president himself was attending a UNGA meeting together with his vice in New York. So? He couldn’t make it. As long as his ministers were available, he deployed them as his proxies.

Upon reaching heaven, God told them that, “you came here by yourself, please know that I have always wanted to have a God-to-man’s talk with all of you. As I am a busy man, you end up doing even the worst things that no man kind have ever done in the history of creation.”

“What?” They zoomed their eyes. “So you framed us to come here?” They exclaimed.

“Ha-ha-ha, exactly!”, He laughed.

“Look here gentlemen, the economy is bad. Tribalism is the order of the day. You wear suits and drive big cars to practice immortality. You rape in your offices. Your daughters and sons takes government projects alone. Insecurity is too much. Embezzlement of public funds is at the peak, among other things. Am I lying?”  

“No!” The responded in unison.

He sips his drink and then observed them one by one. One of the ministers was wearing a gold chain on his wrist. His perfume was too strong. God was beginning to sneeze as His eyes were getting red and wet. But because He is a loving God and likes forgiving, He called on Angel Michael to deal with them because he was too busy. He had files of countries like Burundi, Somalia, Libya, Afghanistan and Syria.

He, too, had a file with the correct results of Uganda elections. There was a portrait of Museveni and Bobi Wine and exact percentage results. On the other side was a South Sudan file, the sketch of the Hybrid Court and it’s final date of commerce and Kenyan’s election that’s due in 2022. He had pinned charts on the wall.

“Alright, gentlemen. If you don’t mind, you would excuse me. I’m quite busy today and I’m in a good mood. Further more, you came on a Friday. So, I have nothing against all of you. Now go and deal with that gentleman mustering his talisman.” And then He picked his stick and walked out of the room.

Angel Michael, you would think has Museveni hat, beards of Koffi Annan and a brain of Robert Mugabe. Why? Because he has been mentioned a lot in the Bible as the main actor in leading in the scene of Sodom and Gomorrah during it’s destruction. That he must have taken part in so many wars alongside Serephim. No! In fact, he is a soft skin dude, humble looking and generous guy by his look. He’s, too, a quiet guy. He speaks a few words. You would think he is a science student who thinks about Pythagoras Theorem, Titration and anatomy.

All these took place in a span of thirty-five minutes, at the game of SHADE. For those who didn’t read Tearz Ayuen’s book, SHADE is a country that lies between heaven and hell.  It act like as a reception and whoever goes there is scrutinizes thoroughly before as fate decides which route to follow.

“Oh, okay gentlemen, the Master has spoken. Let’s begin, shall we?” he said.

The delegates walked slowly. They don’t have their belts ad shoes on but because the riches were still holding their pants tighter.

“Hey, this way, please!” he pointed to the desk.

They all walked to the reception desk.

“What can we do, ya nas kubarin?” The Minister of Labor asks his colleagues.

“Shhhh! Keep quite, maybe they have a wire on us and they will be listening to our communication,” says the Minister of Information.

When Angel Michael came back, he told them that no one cares what they were talking about.

“Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news for all of you. Which one do you want to hear first?” he asked them. They all kept quiet.

“You,” he pointed at the Minister of Information, “you look like you were the ring leader on earth. What do you want to hear first?”

The minister adjusts his glasses and murmured something, which they all could not fathom.

“Anyway, the good news is, you’re free to choose whether to go to hell or heaven. The bad news is, you will not change once you have made up your minds.” He concluded.

“Aren’t we going back to our country after this exercise?” Asks the Minister of Information.

“Nope!” he said. “Your fate will decide that for you. If you choose hell, then you will only be allowed to write your wills to your families. If you choose heaven, then, of course, we shall see about that later.”

And then they all looked gloomy.

“So what must we do?” One of them asked with curiosity.

“Well, there is nothing that you must do. But you can either choose one number. This number, in the bucket, has to be chosen by one of you. Or else, you have to visit both heaven and hell and then you will decide after that where to go. So what do you think, gentlemen?” They all opted for the first choice except the Minister of Labor who decided to go for the second choice.

“Can I take a walk first to the two places and then I will make a choice after I have seen both places.” And Angel Michael was like, “it’s okay, son. You make my work so easy.”

When he was taken to heaven, he wasn’t impressed. It’s some lonely place. Quiet. He could hear of a few voices talking here and then. Everyone is either carrying a file because it’s a business as usual or praying. When they finished, he told “Angel Michael to take him to the other side and check it out.”

Michael didn’t waste time. He took him to hell. When he reached there, he was amazed by the ambiance of hell. The place was busy and the economy was more fascinating. He saw Benito Mussolini, Adolf Hitler and George Zimmerman eased at the counter. Daniel Arap Moi and Nimeri had just arrived at the bar and they were finding the table. Tupac was the bartender. Nimeri seems like he had been there for a long time and he was asking Moi, John Garang and Muammar Gaddafi.

“Time is up. We need to go back,” said Angel Michael.  

And when they came back to SHADE, Angel Michael humbly asked him to make a choice. “Anyway, Mr. Michael thanks for efforts you made. For sure, I have seen both heaven and hell and I made up my mind. That, even though heaven sounded more like a holistic space back on earth, I think I was never destined to go there. Therefore, I hereby declare that I’m going to hell.” He said.

Angel Michael, on the other side didn’t tell him anything apart from, “well, since you have made up your mind and it’s getting dark, we have no objection to that. The gate will be open for you to go there tomorrow. In the meantime, have a good rest here.” And then he left him.

In the morning, Angel Michael, alongside other three stone-face angels came to facilitate their mobility. When they reached the Hell’s Gate, he found everything in a mess and not like the way it was the previous day. The angels didn’t waste anytime. They threw them out at the gate and then left.  The houses were burning. Satan was preventing the external war that was about to collapse the walls. Termites and grasshoppers were eating up everyone and the smoke from super-natural fire was choking everyone.

He then saw a man with a familiar face.

“Hey man, is this hell or I’m lost?” he asked.

“This is hell.” He replied as he made eases.

“Then what happened? Yesterday I was here and the place wasn’t like this. It’s quite decent and loving?”

The man turned afar when he heard this and then laughed.

“My brother, yesterday, Satan was doing a campaign. If you’re ready to die then fine, but if you’re not then let’s run this direction.”

He then dropped everything and then starts running with him.