If you’re white (I’m not talking about the color; but anyone who is white inside even if they’re black outside), and you have dropped out of college for better reasons known to you or not; have inherited some bucks from your family’s tobacco farm for you to afford three or four months of expensive life in Africa, do not hesitate. Come! We have everything. Do not forget to buy suits and ties, we love them: black, navy-blue and gray suits. Don’t buy red or maroon and white suits, you will not look diplomatic and you might never get a rolling carpet when you dressed like a Hollywood star and whenever you visit our ministries.
Endeavor to do hotel bookings earlier enough to make sure you don’t get stranded. It wouldn’t cost you much compare to Brooklyn or Manhattans. Unless if you’re in South Sudan or Angola or Libya and Somalia. But again, you don’t have to worry about what you will spend in the first month because it’s obvious! Isn’t it?
And again, do not forget to make friendship with those guards at the hotel you’re putting up. I mean, those who speak the third class English that is corrupted by their mother tongues’ interference. They have two or three of their cousins or distance relatives who works for WFP or UNICEF and they’re renting it out at just a mere throwaway prices. This is for those who might want to visit South Sudan in the future. Are you wondering what’s South Sudan or what’s Sudan? I will explain that in the that one too because it’s very important.
Once you get it, encourage your guard-friend (s) to encourage his cousin to get rid of the local tenant because you can add a small fee on top and you’re willing to pay six months in hard currency. My dear brothers and sisters, you won’t regret this .
Now be cautious when dealing with Africans – especially Sudanese from both northern Sudanese and South Sudanese. Now here is the thing, people from northern Sudanese are called Sudanese. Repeat after me…S-U-D-A-N-E-S-E!
Their country is called Sudan. Their capital city is called Khartoum. Again, repeat after me….K-H-A-R-T-O-U-M. They have one of the African longest serving presidents, President AL Bashir. South Sudan has a capital city called Juba. This information might not be very important to you if you’re from plan to come to Africa and South Sudan because African countries, their problems interrelate from one to the other. We feel offended, especially if a visitor comes in and called us Sudanese without adding South. So, as you make your way to South Sudan, make an effort to cramp. It doesn’t cost a dime.
When you have familiarizes yourself with the environment, ask where western nationals chill. Go there on the first day and then sit alone in a desolated corner. Remember, you’re in Africa, so your skin will earn you an extra privilege, no matter how empty you could in the head. So just print your cards. Lie about anything: Brooklyn or Eastern London. Sip your drink in silence. Do not approach your fellow western folks, they might take your for a terrorist from the extreme ends of the Middle East. Jut marks their faces, that is all you need to do for the night.
Next weekend, when you come to the same spot, approach those faces you marked. Start your conversation like this:
“Hey man, warrap?” only if you’re a black American. Otherwise, you will be mistaken taken for a broke mzungu.
“Hey, how are you?”
“Good man. You look familiar to me. Have we met before? I mean, do you often come here?”
And yes, he will admit that this is his joint.
“Yes, I’m always here after wo-rk.” Again, this is for the black readers. My white brothers, you can chill for now.
“I have been seeing you a couple of time. By the way, I’m George Benjamin, I’m from Brooklyn, New York.”
“Oh, nice! I’m Paul Courtney, I’m from Michigan. I have been to New York a couple of times with my sister, Becky.”
And then the conversation will just go smoothly. Be generous to buy him a drink and toss your business in his hand as you take his.
Start your own non-governmental organization. Let’s say you baptize it as SMILE AFRICA FOUNDATION (SAF). Focus on youth empowerment to realizes their rights. Once you have paid for the office and secured some few computers, do the recruitment. Even if you were just a weed smoker, don’t mind, your accent or lightness, one of them is a salary to muony Africa.
Once you have recruited your staffs, employ women – especially young girls who know how to use sanitary pads and their figure eight looks promising in short mini-skirts; with a promising salary of $200-$300 per month.
The biggest task here is getting the first funding. But why do you care yet your Embassy is right here in Africa? Take those small projects that are always at the embassy. Take the initiative to attend all the meetings because you’re hustling.
Spend a little,
When you need a project from the government or a native Africans, always know the men in the authority – especially in the security sector. Buy them. Give them what they want because they’re the people who know people who know other people who have what you want. “Your pocket is your brother,” ~ South Sudanese Proverb. Let your pocket speak on your behalf.
When you get your funding, underpay your employees. Why do they need a lot of money for yet they don’t have things to do with the money rather than spending it on cows that die of natural diseases? All you need is to pay one guy and caution him enough that he would be your vector to transmits information from the fellow employees and to you. You can also fire those who don’t want to cooperate with you, or go to bed with you.
Be the voice of the voiceless,
When writing your journals and wants to publish it, always talk of how the country is wasting rhinos, elephants and wild beasts around Nimule and Jebel Buma.
“Africa does not consumes what it produces and consume what it does not produce,” ~ Ali. Before I conclude, this keep it in mind that South Sudan is also an Arabic speaking nation. That mean, your close friend is fluent in Arabic and must also be fluent in one of the local languages so that he can connect you with the local people in Kapoeta. Once in Kapoeta, make sure that you get hold of the right person to connect you with the gold dealers. The gold would be at a throwaway price again and now you can trade it with the Lebanese and Indians.
All in all, you don’t need much of your family inheritance for you to invest in any part of Africa or South Sudan. All you need is your passport with six months visa, your American or British accent and your countryside music by cowboys and stories back in America.